my two left feet and our two [hearts] beating.

I have to say it. I have to say it to someone. And it might be a mistake because it's long distance and our phone calls are getting shorter and I haven't seen him in a week and I feel like are we fading out? But then when I call I hear his voice, he's so excited to hear mine that I know it's not fading out. And he comes so close to dropping the L word and I don't want him to. Not yet. I don't know. And I know that I whispered it into his shoulder when we laid side by side, "I love you" and it wasn't right. Not yet. I can't say it until I know it's true but I'm scared because I'm so crazy about him, so so crazy about him and I don't want what happened last time to happen again. Watching Grey's Anatomy is just watching hearts break over and over and it's what I watched when I got mine broken over and over and I don't want that again. I don't want him to break my heart and I know he's crazy about me too but I worry. I just worry.

But what I want to say, that I can't tell anyone because that would be crazy is that I see a future with him. And I see things that I've never been sure I wanted. Things I have never wanted, ever, with anyone. I want those things with him and of course time is fickle and who knows if I will want these things in 3 months or 3 years with him, but for now all I know is I've only ever felt this crazy for a boy once. I'm delirious with thoughts of him, but even with the ex, even when I knew I was in love with him and would have done anything for him, it was never like this. Marriage, I could see and buying a house and things like that. I could see those things, things I never saw with the last boy which made me sure it wasn't right.

I've never seen myself popping out babies and living the family life in a small town and being a mother and any of those things. But I can see that now. I had to say it. He makes me wanna raise a family. I can see him as the husband and even more so as the father. I've never seen that in another guy before and it scares me a little that what I want is so domestic and suburban, but I feel like if it were with him, I would be happy. Drunkenly, deliriously happy.